Duets
Could NOT stop laughing to save my life. Especially since Finn was like testifying his undying love for Jesus not one episode ago. And now he's doing a duet with a go-go dancing nun. Oh, such delights. Such diversions. Such revelings. LET'S begin.
Okay Ryan Murphy, I have a GIGANTIC bone to pick with you. Like a femur bone. You put Puck in JUVI??? Was this a subliminal message reminding me that I had a paper due on the juvenile justice system and the seductions of crime? If it was, well played, and I'm glad you can use Glee to communicate with me not unlike Haymitch and Katniss in the Hunger Games (I've been on a bit of a YA kick to avoid homework) except substitute "events in hit musical dramedy" for "gifts from sponsers that are essential to survival". Otherwise, talk to the femur, because I'm not happy. I know Volvos are sturdy cars, but I'm not sure I buy that one could be driven THROUGH the front of a convenience store and be fine to just drive away merrily. If my own mother's Volvo hadn't just bit the big one (it was REALLY time anyways) I might test that theory, because then I could be juvi roommates with Puck and...yes. Giggity.
Okay but seriously, this whole "Puck in juvi" thing CANNOT last long because Finn is right, they need his voice and his bad-boy stage presence, but mostly I need his presence on my television. And the Glee Club needs him because they are still short one dude. And Mike is clearly not lending much in the way of support besides his dancing skillz, and honestly it just comes down to Kurt because he can do John Mellencamp and Judy Garland and I don't even know what the fuck to say about that because it's amazing.
That said. We have another competition-themed episode, and the game is: duets!! This show has had some amazing duets already, namely another great one between Santana and Mercedes, but also that Madonna mashup between Rachel and Finn, a couple between Schuster and April Rhodes, and OF COURSE the two with Rachel and Idina. Be still my heart. Unfuckingbelievable. These duets were all sadly not of Lea and Idina, but they were still awesome. That last one hit it out of the park. Let's talk about who got paired up.
Santana and...Brittany? It seems we've caught them between scissoring sessions (can they really say "scissoring" on TV?), which I was delighted by. Brittany's room is awesome, and she wants to do a Miranda Lambert song with Santana about being in love and making lady-babies. Santana sadly only wants a trip to Breadsticks so she can fill her wheelbarrow, so she teams up with Mercedes instead, for their second and even better duet. They do a rendition of Ike & Tina's "River Deep, Mountain High", and Santana honestly scares me a lot with how intense she is in their goose-stepping dance moves. Clearly, she's Ike in this partnership, and I don't know how I feel about that, except the alternative of Mercedes being Ike is both confusing and scarier.
Wait, Mercedes wasn't with Kurt? Their eternal bond hath broken at last? Yes, our boy Kurt has set his sights on the lemony hair of Na'vi Sam who does not like green eggs and ham. (Santana: "Oh, wow. He has no game.") Finn acts homophobic, if honest, and objects to their partnering because 1) he wants Sam to be in the group, and 2) he doesn't want Sam to be murdered by the football team. I mean, Ohio. He has a point. Kurt gets butt-hurt, Sam stands up for Kurt (which I LOVED), and then Burt Hummell shines like the brilliant beacon of amazingness that he is, and offers some of his sage and beautiful wisdom to his openly gay son. I love the Hummells. They have such a beautiful relationship, and despite being a little heavy-handed last week, the show generally handles their interactions with such humor and grace...and it's just awesome. Sadly, the outcome for Kurt this week is that, for now, he has to go it alone. Not everyone in Lima, Ohio is as forward-thinking as he is, nor would they be likely to wear a grommetted tartan collared shirt with a fox tail hanging off their belt loop on your average Wednesday. So Kurt gets on with his bad self and does a very coolly choreographed "La Jazz Hot" from some movie or play that I've never heard of because I am apparently not cultured or gay enough for this show anymore. But actually, this song is the first one that I have never even heard of where it comes from. I even knew the David Geddes song, for some ungodly reason, and that song from The Wiz, but I'd never heard "La Jazz Hot" before and that makes me feel very inadequate. Glee, I hope you're happy.
Moving on. Where does Sam go after Kurt releases him/doesn't go all Shawshank on him? Why, into the arms of fellow blonde Quinn Fabray. How freaking charming. They decide to be partners after she tenderly washes red slushie out of his hair and tells him how it could be worse, since her vagina looked like something out of Avatar when she got blue slushie down her pants. He interprets this as "I LOVE THE MOVIE AVATAR AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT" and starts speaking Na'vi to her, which is both disturbing and hilarious. For such a cutie, he is absolutely hopeless with the whole social skills thing. We will find out why soon enough. Now, his main hobbies consist of being a fan of REALLY BAD SONGS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE FORCED UPON ANYONE EVER which mercifully have not reared their Medusa-like heads since "Audition", creeping on Quinn, and being half-naked. I'm having Chad Michael Murray flashbacks, and I'm not sure that's something anyone should ever have, but Sam is cute, so I can dig it. Also he enjoys vehemently denying the use of artificial coloring on his hair. I thought the lemon juice thing was kind of a cop-out...that's not really DYEING your hair, its just like enhancing it. I mean I did the same thing when I was a swimmer to counteract the greenish hue that the chlorine gives it. He definitely should have a peroxide addiction. And a collagen addiction. I think in general we just need more addictions on this show.
Anyways, when Sam first tries to make blonde romance with Quinn, she throws her deuces up and bolts like a spooked filly, but he mends his ways with a little help from the scheming of Rachel and Finn, and they do a lovely duet of "Lucky" by Colbie Caillat and Jason Mraz, with plenty of awkward hand-holding, and they go on to win the dinner at Breadsticks! Victory! Except then they don't end up using it because, as our girl tells us, "a gentleman always pays on the first date." AWWW. (Positive sexism! Shut up, liberal arts education. Just enjoy the moment!)
Well the next logical jump is Rachel and Finn, but I want to save them for last, so let's quickly talk about the Asians + Artie. Tina and Mike are having Asian couple problems, namely she wants to go on a real date instead of constantly eating dim sum with his mom, and at Breadsticks they have salad! But they have salad at Dim Sum, says Mike! Tina says THERES CHICKEN FEET IN THE DAMN SALAD and I'm just wondering how far outside of Lima you have to go to find dim sum. I feel like, at least Columbus. What do I know? Mike suggests Asian couples therapy, which Tina bemoans. But, apparently the Asian couples therapy worked, because their duet was adorable: "Sing" from A Chorus Line. And I'm left hoping that Mike's incredible tone-deafness was kind of played up for this song, because otherwise I don't see how he could possibly be an asset to the Glee Club. I mean honestly, they should kick him out if he's actually that bad. But, abs. So nevermind.
Meanwhile, Brittany wants to get Artie in a stroller and be his duet partner. Sadly, although Artie is flattered by her attractions, he still has feelings for Tina and cannot have romance with our favorite Cheerio. In a Madonna-esque last effort, she takes his virginity to help him get over Tina. But then Santana, in a fit of lesbian jealousy, tells Artie that Brittany was just using him, so he breaks up with her and she is left pushing meatballs across the table with her nose...to no one. SAD. And actually, I'm proud of the show for giving her some depth, because she was clearly really sad about Artie breaking up with her. Poor Brittany. Santana, you SUCK and I don't like you very much in this episode! Although you've had many choice lines. So I'll give you that. Bitch.
And now, FINALLY, the things I liked best about this episode: Rachel. She has literally been my least favorite part in every episode besides this one, and I think we finally got old Rachel back. She was hilarious. And very heartwarming. At the beginning of the episode, she and Finn are easily knocking it out of the ballpark with their duet, "Don't Go Breaking My Heart", and suddenly Rachel gets sad face. She has been inspired by Finn's intrepid goodness to also do good, and to help Sam win the contest so that he feels like part of the team and they can win at Nationals. Finn points out that this is not in fact a selfless act but the exact opposite since it is technically for her benefit. "Okay so I'm just going to ignore what you just said. Repeat what I said before: we have to find a way for me to lose a singing competition so that the new kid sticks around." Crack that whip, girl.
But how to lose the competition? Rachel is stumped. Finn has an idea! They have to pull a Grease 2 and do a song that's bad. Not just bad...offensive. I'm actually offended that they thought "With You I'm Born Again" was an offensive song because it's actually legitimately AWESOME and people just don't understand it. That said, when sung by a slutty nun and creeptastic priest...(secretly even awesomer) not as cool, or as appealing to the masses. This is pointed out by their classmates, and they are SHOCKED. Shocked, I tell you. And just like that, they lose. Except the Glee Club is going to decide who wins by voting. So....they could have done any song and just voted for Quinn and Sam anyways. But I'm very glad they did what they did; I only wish that song was on iTunes. I'd gladly trade it for any of season 1's Mr. Schuster's raps.
And now, let's discuss the best thing that has happened on this show since the beginning of the season. The final song. Between Barbara and Judy I MEAN Kurt and Rachel. OH MY GOD. I have watched it at least ten times and it's not enough. They are amazing. I mean, I already knew that Rachel did a perfect Barbara, but this is perfect on a whole other level. The facial expressions! The head tilt! The hand holding! The outfit! The swaying! The shoulders! ITS THE SAME. Seriously, if you put them side by side, its the SAME. And Kurt! Kurt stepped up so much for this song, I think he actually transcended out of his body and became imbued with the spirit of Judy Garland because that is how on point he was. I know he's a gigantic gay boy, but he's still a boy, and Judy is...Judy. She's not Kate Hepburn. She doesn't do the androgynous thing that well. But Kurt IS her. I seriously can't get over it. I have to watch it again.
IT'S SO GOOD. They are so cute! I can't take it. And Rachel's hair is really, really shiny. She could be in a Pantene commercial.
Oh, Glee. You lived up to your name this week. Technically last week, since I'm so late on the uptake here. Whatever. Now we have to wait a whole WEEK (2 weeks from last Tuesday!) until the Rocky Horror Glee Show. Which, admittedly, I had my doubts about initially, but the preview looks fantastic. I will post it imminently.
In other news, I am bowing to the gods of television as both Vampire Diaries and Nikita are BACK ON this week, and next week! It's only the 6th episode of both. That means we've got 4 more episodes until they go on their STUPID Christmas break (and Pretty Little Liars starts up again!) Also, depending on how the thesis progresses, I could potentially be checking in with some One Tree Hill soon. I may also do Hellcats, but this week's episode was kind of depressing and it was another one of those honest but not in a funny way but not in a poignant way either, just kind of an uncomfortably realistic way. And Sexy Doctor Boyfriend was no where to be seen. And interracial relationships are abound...and Psycho Derek was thankfully no where to be seen either.
Maybe I'll do bulletpoints. We'll figure it out. Now it's back to work.
depraved and dangerous,
I.G.
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